Ramblings

My unemployment problem is becoming a bigger one every passing day of my life. I’m now a 25 year old adult who’s completely dependent on his mother for food and shelter. I feel very disappointed writing about this matter because it knocks my ego off on the floor, unraveling the true vulnerable Mohamed inside.

I see that I’m doing my best, but it doesn’t feel like I’m striving for it. My mom and I were having an argument yesterday about how my life is absolutely meaningless, that all I care about is having enough cigarettes and coffee, and that I’m not doing my best in looking for vacancies, plus that I’m treating my health the worst treatment ever.

I know that I’m not treating my health good. I know that I should quit smoking abruptly. But every time I am asked to quit I have even more cravings for smoking. Feels like the cravings are related to the order “QUIT“. Plus that accepting myself as a recovering addict has to do with smoking. I cannot change the fact that I’m an addict, and being an addict means you smoke like a chimney! It’s just an undeniable fact of who we are or what we are capable of doing and what we’re not.

While she was arguing I did nothing but nodded with acknowledgment. I began to question myself what am I going to do if my mom died. My father’s life is meaningless to me, yes unfortunately, I know how that sounds, but it’s true. He never played an important role in my life. All he really cares about is his personal life as he has a different family of his own to take care of, instead of the junkie me.

So I kept imagining how my life would suddenly face rapid deterioration if she died. She’s the only person in my life who’s standing beside me, cleaning all the shit that I do, trying to make a man out of me.

Another thing I keep thinking about, is that I don’t know why I had a girlfriend and how we were supposed to get married when I’m unemployed and dependent on my mother, but it just happened that I did have a girlfriend. And that after she left me, I suddenly became empty with no vision. One of the main advantages of relationships is the vision you share with your partner. I suddenly became uninterested in living, aimlessly wandering about everything. I believe the medical term for it would be: I became depressed.

We’re still in contact with each other though, but as friends and not partners. But yet my heart refuses to replace her or consider her gone from my future life.

I’m currently searching for job vacancies everywhere here in Abha Saudi Arabia where my mom works as a professor. But it’s hard to find a job vacancy for a non-Saudi citizen that requires no work experience. While back in Cairo Egypt, during these chaotic days that the revolution has brought us, vacancies are subject to extinction. In addition, people who are lucky enough to be employed, receive salaries that are insufficient to their needs. Which makes me wonder why should I work my ass off everyday to receive a partial of what I already consume from my mom’s salary. Which brings me back to thinking about that nightmare of what would I do without this woman.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe I needed a reminder of where and who am I, how spoiled and irresponsible I am, how my life now is considered paradise to what is yet to come in the future. I really don’t know. But thanks for reading anyway..

May Allah be with us all

Peace